Sunday I went solo to PantheaCon, weathering the pouring rain as best possible, Astarius cranked on the CD player. Dressed today in rich velvets and sumptuous silks, I felt quite sparkly in my gypsy skirt covered in gold sequins, my anklet tinkling silver bells, glitter on my cheeks & bindi's aplenty on my third eye (Bindi there! Done that!). Indeed, the whole conference was fully bejeweled, bespangled and bedazzling. If you have ever been to a Renaissance Faire, you know what a lusty, corset filled experience it can be, and imagine that energy further stuffed into an overflowing hotel setting. Simply scrumptious.
I missed my intended workshop on Wild Women Chant for Peace with Z Budepest by a few minutes, as my inner chant for coffee took precedence. The ritual was closed by the time I reached the ballroom, so I decided to randomly enter one of the other workshops in progress.
I slipped in to Pan: The God of All being hosted by Jason Mankey. Good lourdes, could this man be any more attractive? Thick blond, shoulder length hair, the kind you just want to entwine your fingers in; Sparkly blue eyes, mischievous as he dryly delivered yet another phallic joke; self confidence radiating from his entire being in the most relaxed, sexy and natural way. I was simply intoxicated.
Forty minutes of deep fantasy ensued while not paying the least attention to what he was saying, finally some of the words began to sink in. "Pan is the god of anti-monogamy, the god of anti-marriage. Pan is the god of the bar hook up - Let's just say he ain't no Aphrodite with flowers and poems." What on earth was I doing here? I slipped out early, feeling like a recovered addict who had just been offered heroin. Luckily Pan is also the god of masturbation, and certainly Jason gave me plenty of fantasy fodder for the following week.
Donald Michael Kraig hosted a workshop on Experiencing Your Past Lives. He first lectured on hypnosis, leading the audience through several exercises to experience trance, including a count down to a past life experience with a message relevant to today. I thought about all the stomach problems I have had this year, and set the intention to discover the deeper cause.
"And when I reach zero, you will be aware of your surroundings. Start by looking at your shoes..." I looked down at the coarsely stitched brown leather that had passed as my shoes for years. I was aware of vivid green grass, grey stones covered with paler green lichen, the feeling of a cow's warm side, the fact that it was the year 800 in a borderland between France & Belgium. I lived a simple life, making cheeses, laid out on wood slabs, needing to be turned each day, slowly ripening for market. "Now imagine it's the day before your death, and allow an important message to come through..."
Unfortunately, there was a miscommunication about timing and the experience was cut short just when we got to the really juicy part, and I left feeling incomplete. Luckily I'm a certified hypnotherapist myself, and later that night I found it easy to slip into trance and really flush out the details of my experience.
I'm in a tavern, arguing with the inn keeper. I see a bone handled knife, very clearly. I see an abdomen, cut open, slippery guts sliding out - I don't know if it's the tavern keepers' or my own. Later I am with my husband in our hut with no windows, just a hole in the ceiling for the smoke from the fire to escape. It is our last moment together, and I know I have made the right choices.
The two messages I receive are crystal clear: Stop waiting for other's to commit. It is up to me to make the commitment. And so simple, so profound: Trust your gut instincts.