March 12, 2010

Time on My Hands

I'm listening to live music while catching up on blogs, enjoying myself tremendously despite the deluge of rain. It's Friday night, kid's at the skating rink, housemate is on a phone date with her distant beau, and time is on my hands. Time, sweet time. I cringe when I hear the expression "just killing time” because what could be more precious? Even in the luxury of being bored lies the richness of time, invaluable and always meant to be spent wisely. Time is not money - Time is infinitely more valuable, a currency beyond measure.

I finished my five year contract as a financial analyst and medical billing specialist. I have the rest of the month to tie-up loose ends, file  a few claims and complete updating a manual. Like any good scout, I know I am leaving this place in a better state when I entered, but I also have a humble enough ego to know that it truly will continue without me.

This work has been my solace over the last half a decade - I broke up with my partner almost seven years ago, and there has been a sanctuary in filing, in the creation of systems, that soothed my troubled soul and grieving heart many a night and many a weekend. I have run away from the loneliness of an empty house to the soothing hum of the old computer, the little space heater, and the work helped fill the holes in my time by allowing me to feel useful and productive, if only for a little while. Work comforted me, but I now feel whole and healed, ready to move out of the being comforted zone.

I am equal parts nervous and excited to be giving up my part time job, my steady stream of income small as my paycheck may be. But the lure of the luxury of time impels me forward, and all the energy I put into promoting another business, I know I am now channeling into my own. I have loved being at home, in the garden, but as I recently heard somewhere, "my aloneness has helped me to realize that I need other people." I'm comfortable being by myself, but with the budding spring I find myself being more social again.

My housemate graduates in the summer, and my current intention is to create enough income to not solicit anyone new. I spent almost ten days by myself over the winter break, what with my kid visiting her grandparents in Idaho and my housemate visiting aforementioned beau in New York City. Just as I ended on a high note in my work, I’d like to end my current living situation well. I can’t imagine anyone better to live with, but I'm also ready for my lover to move in, to share sweet time and space. It’s a lot of change and a leap of faith for me, but it feels like the same quantum shift I experienced between high school and college, and again in my mid 20’s when I went from working retail to being an owner of my own retail store. A shift has occurred and I find myself loving my life and feeling a deep peace.

In this moment, time is on hands as my fingers tap the keyboard, and I feel so free to do whatever I want to, whatever passion pleases me. I am enjoying watching the couples dance as the waitresses weave in and out of the tables. I feel a deep appreciation for my inner silence which is in direct contrast to the blare of music overshadowed by people's conversations. I am contented and peaceful, full of hope and optimism, eager to see just what will happen next...

"Time is on my side, oh yes it is..."