January 25, 2012

Something I am struggling with

Time. I struggle with time. I have never been too interested in making money, but I am incredibly interested in making time - for myself, for my child, and in particular for my lover.

Even getting ready for this weekend, I so wanted to somehow get more done, in particular I wanted to wash my car. I let it go with a sigh as I realized it was more important to tie up some loose ends with clients, clear my desk and my mind for the retreat ahead, and that the dirt could wait.

Still, after dropping Amber off at school I took a few minutes to wipe down the interior, sweep the crumbs off the seats, and shake out the mats. I wanted the car to be pleasant for Chip as we wound our way up to this northern sea shore. I wanted it to be pleasant for me as well.

After picking Chip up at his Mountain View office, he asked me about my morning, and I rattled off all I had accomplished, from cleaning the house and packing  to dying my hair. I don't give myself enough credit for I do. I have been aware lately of going and sitting on the deck, closing my eyes in the sun, and just enjoying the garden, rather than working in it. The weeds aren't going anywhere, and the truth is the larger they are the easier to pull.

When homeless folks ask me for spare change, I always want to ask them for some spare time. After all, they're just lounging around all day, don't seem to have anything to do but panhandle, can't they give me some of that?

I find myself struggling to incorporate Chip into my life. Yes, we have good times together, incredibly happy, but I always worry that I am somehow falling behind in other areas of my life. After being single for seven years I became used to filling up my evenings and weekends with work, work and more work, and I feel challenged to relax, let go, and simply play, to simply enjoy our time together for what it is - precious, sweet and precious.

I love spending time by myself, and feel challenged to create this as we merge our lives together. I love spending time with amber, but usually it is doing homework as we don't have weekends together, and she is of the age where she is embarrassed by me in public places. I struggle to find the balance between me time, us time, family time, client time.

This is an opportunity for gratitude when I recognize that Chip is not taking anything away from me, but indeed adding to my life, adding to my joy and happiness, giving me the strength and rejuvenation I need for the rest of the week.

It is an opportunity to enjoy the time with amber, who will be leaving for college in a few short years, and to savor our connection, even if it's just watching a tv show together.

 It is an opportunity to have gratitude for being self employed, the ability to set my own schedule, decide which office to work out of, and when I want to work on my business not just at my business.

 And it is an opportunity to be grateful for my meditation practice, which was hugely important as I moved through sorrow and grief, and now has the ability to slow down time for me, help me relax and breathe into the moment, and that five minutes by myself can be as refreshing as five hours.

I am reminded of the quote, "There is plenty of time, and every moment counts" as well as my own affirmation that I have plenty to do, and all the time in the world to do it. I am grateful for my ability to prioritize and to be more flexible.

Blessed be.