January 11, 2012

Thoughts on Complaining

What makes me susceptible to complaining?

Other people complaining and my need to validate their experience leads me to find all the negative tidbits that I have been secretely saving for a bitch session.

What do I really want when I complain?
I really want validation, I want to vent, to release steam like a volcano. I want attention, the tantrum that Carolina described.

What do I generally get in response to complaining?
I get advice I most likely won't take, suggestions that I have thought of myself but have somehow already rejected.

I complain about my mom's complaining.

I complain about Chips lateness without being grateful for the fact that he drives a couple of hours just to spend time with me. My complaining serves no purpose, changes nothing in his behavior, and it can only serve to move me into acceptance, that people have different senses of time, and that we are always synchronized when do connect, not on my agenda, not on his, but on our particular intention to share our lives together.

I complain about Ambers rejection out of fear and a need to assert myself as her parent, my insecurity of not being taken seriously or seen as her real parent as I didn't birth her.

I complain about the house because I feel overwhelmed. What I really want is help. What I need is the acceptance that there will always be something to do, the moment the laundry is done the next load is being made, to enjoy my garden rather than noticing the weeds.

I complain about my website clients because I feel stressed out and unappreciated, I complain about the hours worked but it is my fault for not billing like a lawyer, each email, each conversation.

I complain about not getting paid yet I continue to work with unreliable clients, somehow thinking it's better than nothing.

I want to changemy complaining to:
Come, be plain with me...